This is my tragic life. lol.

Do you think being in that boarding school is fun? Huh. If yes, you're 10000% wrong. I told you, being in that boarding school is like you're struggling to stay alive in the hunger games. Lmao. I'm not kidding. Maybe it's not that bad if you enjoy it but my problem is i CAN'T enjoy it. I'll never enjoy it. You'll get mental, heart, brain temptations. Actually it'll make you stronger but to be stronger than before, you really need to pass those trials firstly and it is the worst part. I'm not ready to return to that boarding school again. I really need to prepare my soul my mental my brain and my heart firstly, and i'm afraid if i can't do it. It's like a nightmare if i think about it. But i can't take a move back. I'll never take a step back. Why? Bcs my parents won't let me do it. And beside it, i know that it can make my future. Actually it depends on you, but yeah. I'm trying to survive in there. I'm trying to stay alive even i'm empty. I'm trying to make it fun even all of the daily is monoton. I'm trying to make myself happy even all i feel is i miss home. You know what? That boarding school is like a little country in a big country. But we can't out from it. It's like that little country has a big transparant dome as its roof. Ugh i don't know. The other worst thing again is i will missed 5sos' concert in indonesia bcs i'm in that boarding school. They WON'T allow me to take maybe only 3 days off to see them. And i've already missed The Boys' concert when they were here for the first time. You wanna know where i was? Well, i was in that boarding school too. Can you imagine how sad i was? No? Well, i was crying for days and days. Bcs i couldn't let it happened to myself but i could do nothing. Nothing except cry. I have waited them for so damn long to come here but when they did, i couldn't see them bcs i'm in that boarding school. Sometimes i just give up living in that boarding school. No, i'm not stopping for living, but i don't do my job or my daily as best as i could. Do you know what i want? I wanna be done as an alumnus. That make a special history in that boarding school. Like maybe when in the class 6 i be a MAC or  an instruction section or maybe a language section or anything else. Or when in this final intensive, i can go to aussie with a scholarship, aamiin. This what makes me stay alive in that boarding school lol.

I think i'll be used to a situation like this

In this holiday, i'm happy enough. Why? Bcs i know i don't lose you. You're still here, you're still my best friend. Or is it just me that maybe i'll used to this. Yeah, whatever it is, as long it makes me happy, it's no problem haha

Other Side

Tbfh, i wanted to delete my 2 posts about you when you picked me up to meet our friends. Why? Bcs that time, i didn'tas you and you offered me if you could pick me up even you were from your school and i knew that you were soooo damn tired but you wanted to pick me up. I felt like "well, you're still my bestfriend" but it doesn't make me delete those two posts at the end. In the other side, i still have you. I didn't lose you. And i Thank to God for it. I loveyou, fah. Literally you're my best friend.

Remember, Forget, and Things Changed

Today, i heard "Sayap Pelingmu" by The Overtunes on my tv. It reminded me of you. Of us. When it's weeks away till i was about to left this town, you sent me a song and it was that song. I cried easily when i heard that song. Remember it? I doubt that you remember it. Or maybe you remember "One" by Ed Sheeran that you ever suggested to me? Little did you know, i remember every single little thing that happened between us. Oh maybe not "every" it's too dramatic haha but believe me i might be remember things that you forget. It hurts, tbh. Facing the fact you forget it while i still remember it. Like this one. I remember when you said that Moments by One Direction reminds you of Satya. I always remember it but i know you DO forget it. It's not your fault actually it's just we're humans we forget some things and we remember some things. It'll be so nice if i know you remember some of our memories tho. In a year since junior high school ended, in a year when i do not in the same city as you, in a year that including 12 months everything has changed. And yeah, you changed too. I feel like i lost you. I almost didn't recognise you. Maybe i do not regocnise you until now. You know, i only have this 50 days plus mabye 8 days in a year that i can spend with you and what happened to the rest of it? You do know that it's impossible to meet me in the rest of those days. I expected more and more days of my holidays to be spend with you but what was happening is exactly the opposite of what i expected. We only met twice in 50 days. Once you invited me to sleepover in your home that i expected it was gonna be so fun. But i was wrong again. We were busy with our own gadget. It's your fault tbh, bcs if you didn't start it first i'd never be on my internet world. I was so lonely on that moment. I couldn't even talk with you because you seemed so busy. It's fun when we could laugh together again after a really long moment but actually i didn't think that you were really laughing because i knew you were sad that moment. I couldn't bring back the old us. I never can. It feels like the only person that changed between us is you. I do still the same, but idk tho. We barely have a chat again, we barely say those cursing words again to each other. Little did you know, your contact name in my phone hasn't changed, it's still "my bitch" i don't know if my contact name on your phone has changed or not. We're as close as strangers. You can't mad at me just because of this. Because this is exactly what i feel. I'm just so sad that we never can be like the old us. This distance and our own life are keeping me away from you. I know that nothing lasts forever and nothing stays the same except God. But i'm just not ready for that "change" things. You can say that i'm afraid of it. Everything feels so different. Well, the only thing that i can do is face it. And live in it. I do this because i love you and i don't wanna lose you. I NEVER want to lose you.

For my beloved bestfriend, FMR

I miss the old you. I miss us. When we used to talk all day all night, when we used to laugh at literally everything. When you showed your stupidity and i would laugh at it or vice versa. When you listened to everything that i told you and it happened the same to me too. When you cried in my shoulders and i did too. When we used to be in each other's side. When all you had was only me. When the first time i called you from my place and you were like "OH MY GOD, HASNA?!" not like when the last time i called you from that place too. You just like "oh. Hey. What's up?" It feels like you're gonna used to it. Haha. So bitter. When things weren't going like this. You changed. A little by a little. When i'm here almost still the same since the day we left junior high school. It sucks and it hurts me. You're so busy with whatever is that in your life. I don't even think that you enjoy it tho. I feel like behind your smile, there's always a pain or pains. Wish i could fix you, but i couldn't. I don't blame the fate. I just feel like i lost you. And i want you to come back. I feel so lonely, here. I can't tell you this in whatsapp or face to face. I just hoped that you'll read this and take this to your deepest heart. I want you to feel the same. I love you. So much.

what sucks the most

You know what sucks the most when you gotta school in a girls boarding school? It's you can't move on from the last boy that you were falling into. Why? Because there's no boy in a girl boarding school oh gosh. You don't have someone that can replace him. It sucks the most. When you know he's already had new friends, new girls around him, and maybe a girlfriend. But you can't even get over the fact that you're still falling for him. When he is living his new part of life and already forgot about his past , and you're living yours too but your past memories still haunt you. You can imagine it by yourself how suck it is haha. Well, this post is pointless, tbh. I just wanna write in here what i feel or what i thought. Sorry for my grammar, btw :))

A Letter From Zayn Malik

Dear Zayn Javaad Malik or @zaynmalik I wanna tell you something from my deepest heart. I don't know how to tell you at the first. Because in twitter, you haven't followed me back so i can't send you a direct message. Oh even if you have followed me, i think you wouldn't read it anyway. And if i mention you in twitter and saying this thing you won't read it tho. So the last way that crossed in my mind it's just by write it in my blog. Maybe when you bored and just searched anything under the tag "zayn malik" or "zayn javaad malik" or even with your user name "@zaynmalik" this blog will appear and maybe you'll read this. Sorry because i have to say it, zayn. First i will let you know how much i love you. You know i adore you not just because your looks. Your look is good, more than good. You're like an angel. But the main thing is because your voice and your act towards something. Hey, i knew it because i've been in 1D fandom for about 3 years long. And you're my fav, zayn. When that news got heard by my ears the first that i thought was "no. It's just a joke. They're lying to you. Never believe them." But lil did you know, i cried and cried for almost a day full. And then when i finally knew that it's true. I still can't believeit until this second, zayn. It's just so unbelievable. I read your reason. I tried to make my brain to believeit and let it go. But, it's not that easy. My heart hurts. It hurts so much, man. Second, when i told my close friend about it she said "calm down, Has. May be after he out from the band, he will be back to Allah again. He will be back to His straight way, be more religious." And i hope too. I wished you read Qur'an again, pray to Allah again. But when i just got home today (8/6/15) my aunt told me "who's the one with "malik" he painted his hair green" me: "seriously? How did you know?" Her: "i read at detik (it's one of newspaper's name) " and then exactly i looked for it at the internet and i opened one of the web. Perrie's photo appeared. It's you and her. Didn't make me shock enough. But the things that made me shock are 1. You cut your hair until bald and then painted it. Sorry i don't mean anything. But it's just looked like you're stressed enough bcs something and i don't want you to feel it :( 2. You pireced your nose and your other ear. I know you like naughty boy but i don't want you to be dressed like that. Because i want you to back, zayn. Not back again to one direction. But please back to your God. Allah. Sorry. I said like this not because i critic you, but it's because i love you. Just as a remind, i'm a muslim and you're too. I just don't want you to be in a wrong way. I remember when you were in one direction, part of your body that it's so important tou you was your hair :"") no one couldn't touch it because you forbid them haha that's why i got shocked when i saw that photo. I'll love you for who you are but it's just out of the limit. And i remember too a fact said like this: " Once, harry was crying for hours just because Zayn said he will leave the band on the 30th of february." But zayn, it's not even 30th of February yet, why did you leave? The saddest part is that i'll never hear your angel voice again colaborate with the other 4 angels' voices. I'll never see you in the other music video. I hope you understand this, zayn. (If you read this, and i hope you read this) i just wanna say what in my heart. Sorry sorry sorry and thankyou, zayn. You're one of the pencil colours that has coloured my life. I love you and i'll aways love you ♥ -RFHS-

Things happened and some has changed

Hai. Long time no write in this blank online paper. Haha. Yes i have a new life. In the different book of life. Never thought it will be like this before. But it's okay. Because i got new experiments. You know where is my school? It's in east java. Wanna know the name? It's Darussalam Modern Islamis Boarding School for girls 3 or Pondok Pesantren Gontor Putri 3. In that place, there's no internet or gadget for the students. So yeah, i leave my media socials in here. And ofcourse i missed some news. It's suck, tbh but that is how my life's going. I got chance to meet and know more people there, from different cities or even different countries. I live without myparents and far from home. Sometimes i got a homesick feeling and it's the worst feeling ever but bcs of that i knew how the boys feel when they got homesick. Bcs same, man. While i went away, i knew so many things happened and many things changed. There were happy new and the sad one too. But the saddest news that happened and effected to my life is the new about ZAYN MALIK OUT FROM ONE DIRECTION. When my friends told me about it, the first thing that come out from my mind was just "no. They are lying to you. It's just a joke. And never be true. Don't believe them." But i couldn't held my tears anymore and i cried almost a day full and i were looking for some true news from that place without internet. Until my friend who is not in the boarding school (she is in tangerang) told me about the same news. "It's true. And unbelievable." Zayn is my fav. I love him so much. It hurts me to know that he's not in the band anymore. Really. Night changes is the last music video that there's his existance. Four is the last album which there's his angel voice in there. So sad man. One Direction made by 5 persons. And now we lost one of them. I don't know what just happened in my fandom. No not only in my fandom, but in my life. Until this second, i still can't believe that zayn javaad malik is not in the band anymore. And the saddest part other is he made his hair to be bald. Yeah the hair that he used to love so much. And painted itwith green colour. Amd he got his nose pierced and his other ear too. No, i don't hate him. I still love him. -RFHS-